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"Other mums always looked like they could cope and would look at me as if I'd gone mad if I started to talk about
how hard I was finding it!" In this section we hope that mums can share their experiences of some of their more difficult
times whilst raising their children.
We hope that new mums reading this page will see that it's quite normal to struggle some of the time and that being dressed by 4.00pm during the first six weeks is a major achievement!
Your Comments and Views
Having three children over the summer hols I have now lost the plot! Was doing ok by not really planning anything just getting out once a day to the park helped.
It is the constant being followed(i.e. to the loo) the contant drone of "I'm bored, can so and so come to play, I'm hungry" not to mention the sibling fighting. Plus the lack of spousal understanding of how much this can get to me! AS you said Home Start helps I try to get to the drop in at least once a week. I hate the fact that I do not enjoy my children when in fact they are not bad kids just typical inquisitive little people who are being stuck with a tired and stressed out mum with no other outlet (my parents live abroad)
Jane
I used to worry about spending every minute watching my kids in the house, I felt like I had to follow them from room to room and constantly tidy up after them, until one day when it all just seemed to get too much.. they wouldnt help tidy up..they seemed to make a mess everywhere..demand juice..biscuits..lunch....as soon as they seen I was busy or in the kitchen...I got depressed and stopped enjoying being around them which was awful..I still have the odd bad day but now I relax more with them..sit and paint and join in the mess making...encourage them to tidy up with my help...and generally try and laugh more with them, they are naughty sometimes..
but they would't be normal kids if they didn't play up sometimes, enjoy what you have they are only little for such a short time and then they won't want to play with you anymore, and I've learnt when I'm feeling blue to phone a mate or to pop on the internet for a 10 minute escape from them sometimes you just need to chat to another grown up.
Natasha
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"I always thought that the mid wife prepared you so well for the actual birth, but no told you just how bad it would be in the first few weeks. We got the baby home and thought "What do we do now?""
"I wish someone had told me that it's normal to need until after lunch to get ready to go out! Then maybe I wouldn't have felt so useless"
"One of my worst moments was dealing with feelings of inadequacy when I still couldn't get out of the house before midday after four months."
"I used to think I was going mad. I went to the Doctor and Health Visitor but they said it was just baby blues. But I didn't love my baby or like my life. I'd walk around in a daze!"
"One day, I got to the point where I couldn't cope anymore, with the crying with everything! I was so tired. I put Ben in his pram in the garden and walked round the block for 10 minutes. It was just enough time for me to get myself
back together again. I told my health visitor I had done this and she went ballistic. Don't get me wrong, I am not recommending it but I felt I had no choice - I had to get out. With hindsight, I should have rung someone to come round,
but I couldn't wait. Instead of criticising me, I wish the health visitor had recognised I needed help and given me some practical support."
"I am a new mum to my 4-month old daughter and over the past weeks I have been amazed at what a monster I could be with such a beautiful little girl. Your article on coping has come just at the right time, when I was thinking of seeking medical help as I felt sure that I was alone in my feelings.
Whilst I would never dream of intentionally hurting my baby I felt at one point I could not be sure I wouldn’t in the midst of a "rage".
She had colic from day one and would not be put down to sleep in the hospital so I had to constantly hold her in my arms and rock her, this lasted for about 3 months and the sleep deprivations and constant crying wore me down to a blubbering mess.
I had had a successful career and could manage a team of difficult people, why could I not soothe my baby? How could I be such an ogre one minute and feel on top of the world the next? Even now, my baby is one of the best I'm sure - we put her down to sleep no later than 8 and she generally sleeps through till 6, has a feed, and goes back to sleep till 10. But when she cries, something just snaps inside me and I shout and throw things (not her!) and am quite aggressive towards her (not hurting her).
After reading other stories and finally plucking up the courage to talk to a friend of mine (who has an 18 month old) I realise I am not alone and that in its self makes me feel 100% better. And today I vow to try and just walk away (like ALL the magazines say) and to have my own rage out of sight of my beautiful baby but will try not to feel like a bad mother if I do."
"I used to go into my son's room some morning's and say "Are you still here? Do I have to look after
you again?""
"My husband didn't understand how I felt. He just said it was all in my head!"
"Beware working women, who enjoy being pregnant and don't spend time getting to know other expectant mothers while they are pregnant. I looked forward so much to having my baby, but was very proud of the fact that I didn't go to any antenatal classes, and just mixed with the people at work I had always
mixed with and the single friends I already knew. When you are pregnant you are just one of them with a bump, and life can more or less carry on as normal, and you get alot of attention because you are different.
Then when the baby is born, the attention reaches a climax, with presents, visits flowers and an explosion of positive emotion. Then a couple of days later, you are suddenly at home, with your new baby, and alone.
The single friends now belonged to a different world than me, and I was totally unprepared for it.
It is not because I wanted to go out at night etc, or found my baby too hard work. It was because I loved being a mother, and ADORED him, but I was so lonely and desperately wanted someone to talk to
about him, and share mum-type stories. So I went to mum and baby groups, but mothers of new babies are different to mums of toddlers. They are understandably SO wrapped up in their baby, they don't have time or energy to make new friends, and all of the ones I met were in close-knit small groups
of other new mums who all attended antenatal classes."
"I developed ME when I had a baby and a toddler and life was exceedingly grim. (My husband works away all week.) If it had not been for the charity HOME-START I don't know what I would have done. I had never heard of them, nor had my own health visitor.
However another health visitor that I was friendly with rang and referred me to them.
Basically, if you have one child under five and are having a tough time of it, they assign you a volunteer to offer weekly support. My volunteer
used to come to the house once a week and play with my children while I lay down upstairs. Almost as important was the non-judgmental empathy and understanding she gave me. I finally felt that someone cared about me and the state our life was in at the time.
The whole process was very consultative, I could have a say on the appropriateness of the volunteer, what exactly I wanted them to do etc, right down to deciding when I no longer needed them (basically once my oldest had gone to school). They treated me with respect and compassion,
without being patronising, and I wouldn't miss any opportunity to recommend them."
See below for more information about HOME-START.
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SUPPORT
LINKS
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Meet-a-Mum Association
(MAMA)
MAMA is a registered charity which aims to provide friendship and support to all mothers and mothers-to-be,
especially those feeling lonely or isolated after the birth of a baby or moving to a new area.
By attending a local MAMA group, mums become part of a network of women wanting to make new
friends and support each other through good times and bad. If there is no local group in the area, we try to
put mums in touch with other mums on a one-to-one basis for friendship and support.
MAMA also offers
specific help and support to women suffering from postnatal depression, their family and friends, through
a range of leaflets and information sheets and our postnatal depression helpline.
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For more information, please visit
our web site
www.mama.co.uk
or ring us on 0845 120 6162.
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HOME-START
This is a voluntary
organisation in which volunteers offer
regular support, friendship and practical
help to young families under stress
in their own homes.
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2 Salisbury Rd
Leicester, LE1 7QR
0116 233 9955
www.home-start.org.uk
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