Early in my career as a mother, I recall a precise moment in time where I stood, wagging a finger at my then 4 year old daughter for breaking a treasured cut glass vase as she bounced a forbidden football in the family room. I yelled at the top of my lungs in absolute frustration and anger like a crazed Tasmanian she-devil.

And as I raged on and on, I caught a glimpse of myself in the window beside me. It was not a pretty sight. My face was all snarled up like a twisted pretzel. My hands were shaking and fisted, taking on the appearance of a prizefighter's. I took a step backward and then forward again just to make sure it was me I was seeing, and not some half-crazed serial killer. All that misplaced rage - and for what? A piece of broken glass? That vase was not the only thing shattered on that day. So was my daughter's heart.

Remember the Disney™ movie, "Beauty and the Beast"? Do you recall the part where the heroine, Belle, was defending her ugly friend to the town's people as they threatened to kill him? Belle pleaded with the crowd, telling them that her friend may indeed look terrifying, but he was really sweet and kind on the inside. She then held up a magic mirror and begged it, "Show me the beast!" The reflection showed a growling, hysterical creature with matted hair and sharp, glowing fangs. I'm sure it was hard for the throngs of fearful people to imagine that the beast ever had a heart at all, and they were more afraid than ever.

As I peered at my reflection in the window on the day of the broken vase incident, all I saw was the Beast…and she frightened me. Was this the same woman who sang lullabies and baked chocolate cakes? Looking into my daughter's tear-stained face, I realised at that very moment, the Beast was also the same image my daughter saw as I screamed at her, and it changed me for life. It was the last time I ever raised my voice to a decibel that would deafen a dog.

When we scream in anger at our children, we make them fearful of the beast inside of us - the one that teeters on the edge of losing control and threatens our children's very basic feelings of security, self worth, and trust. In a child's eyes, the image of a sweet, loving mother is replaced by an image of a monstrous, hideous stranger - a beast. Parent-child communication begins to diminish, as a child who is fearful of this kind of response will withdraw from that parent.

This hairy animal is not someone we, as parents, are proud of. Sometimes we barely recognize the monster within, since it only comes out of its cave once in awhile. But we should know it well, for it behooves us as responsible parents to take a good, hard look at our own anger and soften the lines around its face when we are dealing with our children. Before it has a chance to scar our children - and our relationship with them - for life, we need to wrestle it back into its cage, lock the door, and throw away the key…forever. We have a responsibility to act humanely and sensitively when we are frustrated by our children's mistakes. And, most importantly, we need to constantly remember that a simple vase is nothing compared to the treasure of our children's love and trust.

Julie Donner Andersen is a freelance writer and married, work-at-home mum of three. She very much enjoys writing humorous and serious pieces about parenting.

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Copyright 2002 Julie Donner Andersen. All rights reserved.

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