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Antenatal depression - Your Stories

Most people are aware of postnatal depression but few seem to realise that it can be as serious during pregnancy. On this page you can find others stories that they have shared with us about this condition.

Your experiences and comments

I am suffering from antenatal depression. I was perfectly happy before I got pregnant, very easy going and positive. Now I am a completely different. I am overwhelmed by mere conversations! I cry all the time and feel sad and flat. I feel like I am just waiting out each day until this is over. Although I must say, I have been fighting it by getting out, talking about it, and making a list of everything I have to look forward to once this ordeal is done. Also I PRAY! without my faith i would be far worse.

I have a personal history of depression as well as a family history of it. I'm already on anti-depressants and have been for over 5 years. I think that's the reason why it didn't occur to me until my best friend and my fiance both asked me if I'm depressed that I AM depressed. I'm THRILLED to be pregnant. I'm 20 weeks along, have had a very easy pregnancy, got to quit my hated job to stay at home, have no financial worries, am moving into a new home, got engaged and am planning a wedding, and my healthy, beautiful 10 yr old boy is starting 5th grade. I feel so ungrateful for what I have, but I recognize that these feeling I'm having are out of my control. I'm confused why I feel this way when I'm already on medication, but think maybe the added changes that this pregnancy has brought about in my life and the added hormones of being pregnant in and of itself have made the medication not strong enough to handle all of this. My fiance wants to understand, but he's confused because he's providing me with so much and I'm still not happy. He says to get out of the house and I'll be happier, but I have no motivation to do so. I feel really lonely, but resent when there are others around. I miss being social, but then don't feel like going when an invitation comes along. I miss feeling valued as an employee, but don't want to go back to work. The conflicting feelings have really thrown me for a loop - it's hard to express myself to anyone when I don't understand myself. I called my OB this morning to let her know how I'm feeling and asked for help.

Amber

I'm not sure if becoming pregnant alone triggered depression for me.... I think the "side effects" of pregnancy were the more likely causes. After a difficult labour with my first child, and an insomniac baby as a reward...I had post-natal depression after that. I recognised the symptoms, but this time though, it was happening 3 months into my pregnancy.. and it caught me off guard.

Within weeks of my positive pregnancy test, my skin broke out into boils across my face... My chin and my forehead would be painfully sore and blistered.... It seems that I had a reaction to all the excess testosterone that my baby was responsible for and I developed a serious case of acne.

I ballooned and became hairy and I felt ugly, a total stranger in my own body. I started to pick at my skin...obsessively..untill it was bleeding and sore and I just wanted to hide away.... I would spend hours trying to cover up with creams and make-up, just so I could go to the shops. I felt utterly debased and detatched.

And then we moved. I moved to a place in the middle of nowhere... hundreds of miles away from any friends and family and I completely retreated altogether, not feeling brave enough to make new friends, or even look another person in the eye.. I didn't want to talk to anyone in case my face cracked and bled.

My daughter at this time, became the subject of a whole lot of legal wranglings over access arangements and I really started to feel then, that I was totally loosing my grip.

I spent months that way... desperate, consumed with an overwhelming, hollow pain, in tears, unreachable and not wanting to be reached...but I always managed to keep it together for my visits to the midwife... (why do we all do that?)

It didn't imrove after my baby was born.. and I still, very literally still have the scars.... but I came through it, despite many times where I almost just gave up.

I was either too lost or too stubborn to see my GP. I thought it would "work itself out" or I would disspear all together... either way suited me.... but neither happened and I just continued to exist each day, milling things over, thinking mysef into a deeper hole than I was the day before... and only now when I feel stronger, can I look back and really see clearly, how bad things had become... If I met myself now I think I might cry....

Things are much better now... I finally made it to the GP... a year after my son was born... I wouldn't say I have had an easy ride since then, but things have slowly got better... largely down to a very sympathetic doctor...

I'm still shaky..but I'm not a bad mum...not a bad wife either and I have started to find a little of my lost identity again. I think I turned a corner when I let myself off the hook for being kooky.. because I'm an OK sort of person and "kooky" isn't all bad.

I'm at college now, doing very well, hoping to apply to uni this year and I never thought I would ever be capable of that.. (... I couldn't even answer a phone at one point...) I'm not back to normal.. I think an experience like that changes you fundamentaly...but I suppose that's how we all grow.. by surviving. I feel more confident every day.. so much so that when I share my story with people I have met since, they're suprised. I wanted to say that even when you think you can't last another hour, you can.. you still have it in you..... Just getting through a day when things feel so terrible, is like climbing a mountain...It's no mean feat... especially when waking the next day feels like you have been spirited back to the bottom again.. What I didn't know then, was that I would be looking back a year and a half later, feeling so much better...with so much relief!... I just wanted to say that it gets easier, you just have to take it a day at a time....hang in there. All my love. xx

emma

I am 18 years old and having a un planed baby, when I told my long tearm partner he walked away now i feel down all the time i felt like this for all most four months and don't know who to turn to I have shut my self away from my friends and family when I go to work I don't talk or when I am in collage and I just dont no what to do anymore can you suggest anything?

I am nearly 22 wks pregnant I found out when I went for my scan at 21 weeks that I was carrying a boy I already have two boys and really did not want this one to be a boy, I wanted to abort the baby I can't think of anything about being pregnant or giving birth to this child that would make me happy, I haven't stopped crying don't feel like doing anything no patience for my two children that I already have infact I can't put it into words how bad I feel at this moment, I hate getting up in the morning because I know I have a full day ahead of me feeling bad in the evening I feel a bit better when its nearly time to go to bed I can go to sleep and not think about it then, I don't really want anyone to mention the pregnancy to me I just don't want to talk about it.

I am 20 weeks pregnant and should be looking forward to the arrival of our second baby. Our first child was born prematurely by c-section and I felt robbed of a healthy pregnancy and natural birth. I swore I would enjoy pregnancy this time and this has really not been the case. I look in the mirror and, honestly, see a monster. A big hulking figure that doesn't deserve the husband I have, the child I have, or the baby inside me. I am going to seek help this week, that is my challenge.

I am not sure if what I am experiencing is antenatal depression, but I can say that everyday for months I have had moments where I feel desperately sad to the point where it makes me feel physically sick(and where very dark thoughts enter my head). I am 31 weeks pregnant and I am functioning okay at work and at home, and being busy seems to keep the worst of the feelings at bay. But I am very frightened of this feeling taking over once I am on maternity leave. I have told my husband and sister that I feel depressed, but because I am not behaving in any way out of character(crying fits; taking time off work; not getting out of bed; etc.) I think it is very difficult for them to appreciate how awful I feel at times. I had two previous failed pregnancies, but when I analyse this in my head I am feel fairly certain this is not the reason for these overwhelming feelings. I am very worried that this will manifest in a really bad way once the baby is here - but I am not sure that there is much I can do to avoid it. I am grateful however that I have some insight into how I am feeling, and reading others experiences on this site helps me to feel that it is normal - in fact it has been something of a relief just to express myself in this e-mail.

I suffered what I think was antenatal depression, just over 4 years ago when I was carrying my second child. At the time having to leave the supermarket half way through the shopping because of this overwhelming feeling of 'having to get out of there' was put down to my hormones. I went to see my midwife more regularly than my arranged appointments because I worried about every little pain of cramp in my leg, I would blow out of all proportion and be worried I had a blood clot in my leg or I was on the verge of having a heart attack. It wasn't until I had my second emergency caesarean and I had a hyperventilating incident the day after, that I started to develop panice attacks. I was finally put on anti depressants 8 months after my son was born. My obsession with mt health and panic attacks etc became quite bad, but I still didn't now I was suffering from ante and post natal depression. 4 years on and anti depressants, counselling and hypnotherapy later, I have an urge to have another baby. I have discussed the possibility and implications of a 3rd caesarean with a consultant, but the main thing that is holding me back is whther having another baby is going to trigger this off again. Is this quite common? Will it come back, but worse? Or will I be absolutely fine? No-one seems to be able to guide and inform me on the psychological side. I would love to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience, or has had 3 caesareans or more, or has had ante/post natal depression and has gone on to have another baby, and describe their feelings.

This is my 4th pregnancy and the first time I feel like this.

I have nothing to complain about and my other kids are wonderfull yet I feel like just leaving them just to open the door and never look back..I hate every thing in my life now even for the baby my husbend have to leave me no chance to cancel it or I won't go at all...

I feel so alone and no one understand it when I talk about it, I hide most of my feelings from my husbend becouse I know he'll be hurt if he knew.

My only hope is that it my go away once the baby is born

I have diabetes and am 10 weeks pregnant. I can't shake the feeling that I'm losing control of everything around me. Every abnormal glucose reading and every high level of keytones has me panicked that my baby isn't going to grow properly or might die. I'm so frightened. Neither my hospital nor GP seem bothered and they say "you're not the first pregnant woman" or "it'll be the hormones". They don't seem to take me seriously when I ask them for help in controlling my condition for the sake of my baby. If it were just me then I wouldn't give two hoots but it isn't, there is an unborn, fragile baby in this picture and I'm petrified that my body is going to kill it. I don't know if this is antenatal depression or not.

I am 24 and 25 weeks pregnant I moved to Scotland with my partner and 2 year old little girl but I feel so alone as i have none of my family here with me. I cry all the time and my mood changes cause big arguments between me and my partner I try telling him how I feel but he puts it down to hormones I wish he would understand and I wish I had my family here to talk to.

I am 33weeks pregnant and was doing well. Well I say doing well but I had very bad morning sickness. Then my husband suggested that we do a sickle cell screen on the baby. The Drs cme back with the result taht it was positive which i refuse to accept because God has healed my son. I became very worried about the result and just could not get it off my mind. I felt so bad inside. Some times in dispair and really desperate. Some days I was fine. Went for councelling but in did not help. Went to my GP for antidepressants and was precribed citralopram but had very bad palpitations with it. Iwas getting dispaired at various thoughts that never really bothered me before( I was afraid of dying etc). Today I woke up feeling really down. Iam looking forward to having my baby. I have a 6 year old child. If it is any consolation to any one. It does not happen in every prenancy as I was okay during my fist preganancy. I just wonder what brought this on. Is it the morning sickness or the results I got from the Drs? Waht is the best treatment. I am aware that different things will work for different people.

My experience of pregnancy has been hard, when I first found out I was pregnant I was so exited but shortly after my husband came out of work and I am now faced with bancruptcy and homelessness. I did think about abortion knowing that for the first few months I don't know what kind of life I can provide for new baby. We have decided to keep him and continue with pregnancy. My husband and I are very much in love and as long as we have each other I think everything will be fine. I don't know whether this is classed as antenatal depression or just normal depression but I am working through it slowly.

I suffered antenatal depression following a breavement and redundancy. I almost aborted my wonderful, gorgeous little boy on more than one occassion because I was so low. I attacked my husband, self harmed etc you name it I did it. I went on to suffer PND which eventually something did get done about it as PND is recognised. I do wish that people had known more about it at the time and I wish I had spoken up also. My husband and I are trying for baby number 2 and believe me when I get more positive I will be informing my midwife/doctor etc exactly what I went through 2 years ago and make sure they know enough about it in order to provide me with the help required if I do suffer again. There does need to be more done and sooner rather than later and the more of us that speak up the better!!!!

I am 30 weeks pregnant and feel like I should be counting my blessings. It is my first child, I have a wonderful husband and family, physically my pregnancy is sailing, I have no financial difficulties. So why do I feel that I am losing the plot? I don't want to leave the house, cant stop crying over nothing and feel like I cant cope with anything. I told my midwife how I was feeling and I'm so glad I did. It's such a relief to know I am 'normal' and it's ok to feel like this. After a referral to a counsellor I began to acknowledge how I was feeling and this makes a huge difference in coping with what is happening to me. I now know I'm not fine just now (as I keep telling everyone) but I WILL be and I can look forward to the arrival of my little one knowing that what I am experiencing is normal and I am receiving the support I need.

I have antenatal depression. Before it was diagnosed I felt like I didn't deserve to have my 15mth old daughter or the baby I was carrying. I am still in the worst of it, but now having a little more understanding what is happening I can look through the dark black cloud and realise that I am not the moster I perceived myself to be. I have two overwhelming fears of not being able to cope with two young children and a fear of losing my identity to motherhood. These are my challanges these are my hurdles to overcome, I am not there yet but I will be.