I've condensed my last 9 weeks in this one as I have been amazingly busy, as you can probably guess.

Well on the Monday morning after bringing the boys home on Friday, I decided to take Katie to school. I still couldn't breastfeed the boys and they had to make do with formula for another day, I was still feeling I had let them down but I wasn't going to give up that easy. We all got up fairly early and I made Katie and Paul their sandwiches for lunch and got Katie and the boys ready to take Katie to school. I felt really well and quite fresh for saying what a tiring weekend we had had.

The mums at the school couldn't believe I was up and about and with the boys too!! Everyone wanted to look at the boys, teachers too, so I felt pretty overwhelmed by it all, but very lucky too. Everyone said how beautiful the boys were (I know everyone says that about babies - but its really nice to hear it especially when its your babies they are saying it about). Katie was really proud and loved showing off her new brothers, the kids were fascinated by the boys.

Monday evening I decided to use my breast pump to pump off some milk for the boys, at least this way I didn't feel pressured and could stop when it really hurt. I have a double breast pump and so I was able to pump some milk off for the boys, and I continued to do this for the next few days until I was ready to breast feed again. The boys continued to have breast and formula as my milk wasn't flowing as well as I wanted it, but I knew the more I fed and pumped the more milk would come through so I tried not to stress about it.

Paul and I decided that Paul would only take off two weeks paternity leave if I had a c section, otherwise, he would take the time out of work if and when I needed him too. His firm was more than happy with this and said they were happy for him to come and go as he pleased when it was necessary. They knew we wouldn't take the mickey with this so this suited us all round.

The first week flew by due to the amount of visitors we had and the amount of gifts the boys received. We had about 60/70 cards wishing us and our boys well and Katie got some cards too for being a big sister, and she was also lucky enough to get some presents too. People were commenting how well I looked and believe it or not, I actually felt really well.

I took the boys out for their first outing when they were 6 days old, well I wouldn't really say an outing, but I decided to nip to B&Q to return our unwanted wallpaper and to Asda to get in a few items. What I thought would take me an hour, took me nearly 3 hours and I was nearly late in picking Katie up from school. I couldn't believe how many times I was stopped and people asking me lots of questions. Katie was a pretty baby, and I was always stopped with her in town, but this was something else. I actually had a conversation with a woman I had never met before for about 40 minutes discussing our children, what jobs we had, our partners - it was like we had known each other for a number of years. This happens every time I go out with boys and I'm already sick of hearing `is it buy one get one free' ahhhhhh.

The baby blues had kicked in and boy do I hate those baby blues, you start blubbering at the slighest thing and it just happens regardless of who was there. I found that when I stared at Luke, I couldn't help but cry because of what he may have to go through and I started to feel it was my fault, that I hadn' taken enough folic acid, I was mainly on my own in the day and the odd time I started to cry at night when Paul was there. Paul was really good and I know it upset him too and I know he cried too, but I couldn't help feel sorry for my tiny little boy. What was life going to throw at him and how could we make it better for him. He's so gorgeous and cute and yet fate had dealt him with this awful thing. You start to think about what you have done to deserve it and the old saying `what goes around comes around' - and maybe this was our fault. Its awful how your mind can go into overdrive and unfortunately mine did.

The second week went really quick too again we had lots of visitors and my sister came down from Blackpool to see the boys. She has 3 boys of her own and loves babies, so she made a special trip to see them, which was really nice. People were asking about Luke and asking how he was and what was going to happen. Most people didn't know what Spina Bifida was so we had to explain to them. Luckily, when I was talking to other people about it, I didn't cry and I didn't feel I wanted to cry. Lots of my friends offered their support and their shoulder to cry on if I ever needed it. Its so nice to know you have so many people you are able to call friends.

The appointment came through for Luke from the QMC and we were going to the hospital to have his MRI scan on 06 December. Although I wanted it to be really quick so we could move on and find out more about this lump, I was also dreading it because I was worried it would cloud over our Christmas and I didn't want that. I didn't want to ruin Katie's Christmas either. So I tried to stay positive about the whole thing, whereas Paul found it more difficult and he started to worry about what could happen to Luke in the future. He read lots of information from the internet, whereas I didn't really read anything, I didnt want to at this stage and I'm not sure when and if I will be ready to read anything on it.

The boys were doing well, in their first week both of them lost the same amount of weight and Luke dropped down to Jamie's birth weight. However, the boys have put the weight back on and are doing really well. They were feeding every 3 hours and I managed to start breast feeding. The only downside was they were taking nearly an hour to feed, so if I fed them separately, it would take me two hours, with a one hour break before they were due to feed again. When I wasn't breastfeeding, I was trying to express, so I did feel like a milking cow. I tried the tandem feed, which was fine if there was someone here to help me, but I found it quite difficult to do it on my own. You can guarantee everytime I got the second one on the other would fall off, so it was a bit of a constant battle and it was starting to take it out of me, especially the midnight/early hour feeds. Paul offered to get up and help, but with him having to work the next day, I didn't want us both to be tired out, and I could sleep in the day if I wanted to. The only problem was, when the boys slept, I found myself trying to catch up on things I hadn't been able to do.

I decided to give up on the breastfeeding, but would continue to express the milk myself and give it to the boys via the bottle, this way they were still getting all of the goodness of breastmilk, but with the convenience of bottles and other people could feed them. I still needed to give them formula to help top up my own milk until I built up a good supply of breast milk and the way these were drinking Im not sure if Im ever going to get there. I am so glad I have a double breast pump, I can do it in half the time.

Its amazing visitors always seem to turn up just when you've got the breast pump all set up and ready to go, the amount of times I had to put it away because visitors had arrived. I didn't feel right to ask them to come back later, after all I wanted to show off my boys.

Within the first four weeks, the boys have gone to feeding every four hours and still sleep really well in the day, but are more unsettled at night. They don't seem to go down well in the evening and seem to suffer more with wind and its so tiring. Paul is helping me in the evening, so he is absolutely shattered in the morning.

The boys both weighed 6lb 14oz on their third week and 7lb 8oz on their fourth week so Jamie has caught Luke up and he is also starting to fill out more.

My mum and Paul's mum come up once a week to help out which has been a massive help, my mum bless her has offered to take my ironing until I am ready to pick it up myself. My mum can't believe how well I have coped, especially with having Katie too, and its surprising how many other people have said this to me. As for me, I don't know what they are talking about, I'm sure there are thousands of mums out there who do what I do, for me I have to say a big applaude for single mums / dads who don't have any help, I take my hats off to you.

I haven't really found it hard, just really busy and especially with the run up to Christmas, I think that has made it even busier. I've normally done a lot of my christmas shopping by now and written out my cards, but at this present time I have done nothing, so I have an amazing amount of things to do. I have about 12 children in my own family to buy for, our friends children and my friends and work friends too, as well as our own and each other. Oh my god, where do I start!!!

We have the appointment for Luke at the QMC next week so wish me luck eh (well not me as such)!!

Anita, we wish you and Luke lots of luck and we hope the appointment goes well