Surviving Parenthood

By Rohan Candappa, author of 'The Parent's Survival Guide'

Am I a good parent? It's the age-old question. The one that we all ponder over in the early hours when teeth are teething and there's very little on the TV worth watching and you can't find the damned tape on which you recorded Frasier. But for me it's not the most relevant question. The most relevant question is:

Will I survive being a parent?

Let's be honest, the odds are stacked against us. We're faced with an opponent who's younger, fitter and far more cunning. And the honey on the porridge is that on top of all that we have total responsibility for the little blighters. It's rather as if before Lennox Lewis squares up to Mike Tyson in the ring he had been forced to feed, house and nurture him in the weeks leading up to the fight. And should Mike ever get bored, Lennox would be fully expected to entertain him by, for example, teaching him the words and actions of 'Incey Wincey Spider'.

Given this throw of the dice is it any wonder that psychologically speaking I start almost every day on the back foot with my little bundles of joy. And physiologically speaking I start each day completely knackered. That's because I am blessed with one adversary who goes to bed late and one who gets up early. It's the classic pincer movement.

Day after day, dragging myself from exhausted slumbers to answer the baby's unanswerable query of 'Waaaaaaaaaah' I find myself pondering my own unanswerable query 'Whhhhyyyyy?'

Why don't you sleep longer? Why didn't I go to bed earlier? Why did I think having kids would be such a great idea? And why on earth did Alex Ferguson sell Jaap Stam and buy Juan Sebastion Veron?

They are all questions that are impossible to answer. And they're impossible to answer primarily because when you're caught up in the maelstrom of parenting who on earth has time to think about, let alone answer, stupid questions.

Parenting, in my experience, is all about living in the moment and trying to cope with all the stuff that happens while you're busy making other plans.

In that respect, becoming a parent is rather like being shadow chancellor, then getting elected. When you're shadow chancellor you know exactly how things should be run. Then when you do get elected you can't believe the unholy mess you've inherited and you rapidly realise that any thoughts you had of controlling and organising the economy were hopelessly naive and breath takingly optimistic.

But as chancellor at least if you don't screw up things too badly you can fully expect to land lucrative company directorships in the private sector when it's all over and, eventually, elevation to the House Of Lords. If you don't screw up too badly as a parent the best you can hope for is that your progeny check you into a decent 'home' when you finally lose the last of your marbles down the back of the sofa.

All of which brings me back to the reasons why I wrote 'The Parents Survival Handbook'. First it was to give all parents out there something to laugh about other than the cost of children's shoes, the number of cereal boxes in the cupboard, and the shame and humiliation that will rain down on your young one if you don't provide impressive enough party bags at their birthday party.

Secondly, it was so that I can earn and save enough money so that when my kids eventually shove me into the 'It's A Very Nice Home, You'll Really Like It Here, Look They're Doing Jigsaws In The Sun Lounge!' (even now I know that's what their childish minds are lining this up for me) I'll be able to bribe the warders to give me an extra blanket for my legs.

So please buy my book!

Rohan Candappa