Bereavement - A Personal Story

I can now talk with some degree of logic about losing 'Joseph'. Nearly 4 years ago I couldn't begin to explain my feelings. He was 32 weeks, he was a viable weight, he was not damaged and yet he still died. I had severe pre-eclampsia. I should have had better treatment but even still, he might have died. It is something I will never come to terms with and I will always feel he was my first child and will always miss him dreadfully. I always tell people that Isobelle, my second child, is exactly that, my second child. If people are embarrassed, uncomfortable with that then I am afraid that's not my fault, I will not deny the life of my first child, however brief it was.

At the beginning my sense of loss was literally unbearable, I physically ached for my child. As the weeks passed the physical pain became less and the mental agony greater. I felt huge guilt, could I have done more, what if I hadn't done this/that. Deep down I knew that the things I was criticising myself for were such small things they would have made no difference, but I felt the need to punish myself. I must have let him down and I also felt how much I had let down my partner, who was bereft too.

Bereavement/loss affects people in such different ways. You may blame yourself for the loss, your partner may initially blame you, subconsciously, and you may both deal with the bereavement itself completely differently. All these factors put incredible strain on your relationship. We found it hard because I was quite quiet and suffered alone, crying at night, while my husband seemed not to be bothered but would then break down without warning and sob. It was difficult to deal with such different reactions and for a while I wondered if we would get through it together.

We have always talked about Joseph. His name is never taboo and by doing this I feel we have pulled together, sharing ideas of what he might be doing now. We get very sad doing this, but it is the way we cope, the way we remember him and it is important to us that he is still part of our lives in this way.