Well Katie woke up ok on Saturday morning and I spoke to her about her behaviour and why she was worried about daddy not coming home. She said she was missing him and didn't want him to go out. We put it down to the fact that she had spent the week with us both and had spent every day with us. Paul never stays out over night, apart from the lads weekend away, but thats it so we couldn't understand why she was worried about him not coming home.

We had another night of her crying and Paul and I were both in the house, its strange but everytime we go away and come back, it always seems to upset her routine and her, even from a young age of 8 months, so we put it down to that. We asked her why she was crying and she said she just felt like crying and couldn't stop herself!!!

Katie had a children's party on Sunday and really enjoyed it, we were hoping that this was going to tire her out, but again we had another night of her crying. It wasn't for long but still, we just couldn't understand why. We both spoke to her and asked her why, but she couldn't give us an answer.

This week has been very up and down, especially with Katie's crying, which seems to have stopped for now. I seem to be really tense and losing my temper really quickly with everything and everyone. Everything seems to be a real struggle this week, I'm not coping well at all this week. Work has been a problem, Katie has been a problem, my parents, Paul, you name it, they have all annoyed me this week. I've felt so down this week, that by Friday, I wanted to walk out and leave them all.

The start of the week was okay and Katie wanted to stay at her nana's house for the night, so we agreed and I was worried about her crying and shock horror no crying. The following two nights she was due to stay at my parents house and again no crying. My niece and nephew were staying there too so she was in her element. Whilst she was there it gave me a chance to do more sorting out, and I have been spending time sorting out all my photo's and putting them into albums.

I ended up having a major fall out with my parents as they had let Katie go to the park on her own with my 11 year old niece and 7 year old nephew. The park is only a couple of minutes from their house, but I was gob smacked that they let the 3 of them go alone. My niece is mature and level headed, but both Paul and I didn't feel it was right for them to do that especially with some of the people in the world today.

My parents are in their early 70's, but very young early 70''s and they are good with the kids, but sometimes live in the old world and don't think that there are bad people out there. So they didn't respond well to my reaction and I made them feel like I didn't trust them. I explained that that wasn't the case and said that someone could have snatched one of the kids or the one of them could have hurt themselves with no grown up around. They have taken on board what I have said, but things are pretty tense between us, which I suppose hasn't helped.

Paul went out again on Friday evening and Katie did her usual trick of crying, so I ended up shouting at her again, this time I was really close to hitting her, so I ended up walking about of her room and I was in a real rage. I think the whole week had just got to me, I couldn't believe I had felt I wanted to hit her. I came downstairs and ranted and raved on my own to let it all out. I sat down and just fell to pieces.

I decided I was going to leave in the morning, I was going to leave Katie with Paul and go away as far as I could and not come home. I would have the twins and bring them back to Paul and go. I felt they were all better off without me. I couldn't believe I had so much tension and frustration, which nearly caused me to hit Katie.

I went up to Katie and we sat and talked about why she was playing up at bedtime and why she was starting to cry every night, but didn't cry at nana's or nana's and grandpas. She said she was sorry for making mummy angry, which made me cry and we sat and cuddled and I said sorry for upsetting her or for frightening her. I tried to explain that mummy was really tired and tense and that I was wrong for shouting at her. She asked me why my face was so angry when I shouted at her, I couldn't believe it, not only had I shouted at her, but she see the angryness in my face. I explained to her that mummy was wrong and that I was over tired and explained about the hormones making mummy feel tense. I sat with her for a while whilst she went to sleep, I stroked her face and hair and talked to her whilst she slept and told her how much I love her.

I spent most of that night crying and wanted the week to be over.

The next morning, she got into our bed and we sat talking and I apologised again for shouting at her, she said `its okay mummy, I was naughty for crying' and she went on to tell me a joke and we sat and cuddled in bed. I told her how much I loved her and how much she means to me. She told me she loved me too. We got up and spent the day in town and had a really nice day.

At bedtime we talked about what we was going to do on Sunday, and how we were going to clean up and make the dinner, Katie asked if she could help. I read her a story and she went straight to sleep.

On Sunday we had breakfast and got dressed and spent the morning cleaning up and she helped me make Sunday dinner. The afternoon was spent teaching Katie the alphabet and we sat and watched `The polar express'. So the weekend wasn't too bad, although I still feel very tense and very upset about the weeks events.

I am due to go for my Glucose Tolerance Test, scan and consultant appointment tomorrow, so I am hoping the week starts off better than this week. I really don't want another week like this week. I want to put this week behind me and forget it ever happened, I've never felt this tense and upset and I certainly don't want to feel like it again.

I think I'm usually pretty placid and I know a lot of it has been due to my hormones and really I think the argument with my parents haven't helped. I feel a bit better today, so I am going to have a really good nights sleep and hope that this will help. Katie has slept well again so hopefully now she is back to normal, lets hope I can be too.

Well I'll sign off for now and speak to you all next week.

Take care

Anita

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